Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
