When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
