Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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