There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
