Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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