I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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