I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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