I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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