i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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