her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
