Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
