There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
