I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I smell like Dick and happiness
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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