when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I have already put on my inside pants.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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