My hand turned me down
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Randomize
