If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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