glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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