if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He felt like a one man threesome
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
