Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
