Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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