I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
