Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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