I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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