i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
