Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
