dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I met the friendliest cop last night
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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