Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
