Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
