What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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