New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
