You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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