Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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