I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
