I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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