I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
