I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
