I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
