hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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