I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
