I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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