I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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