I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
