hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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