Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
