So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
