how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
