Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
