This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
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