obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
