Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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