Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
