Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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