i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
